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Losing Mum

September 7, 2017

On 2 August 2017 my Mum died. It has been the hardest death I have ever had to bear – the absence of someone who has always been there, in my life for 63 years, my security as a child, so much a part of me that I feel like there’s a hole in the bottom of my soul now.

It’s not that I lived with her – I moved out of the family home in 1981, got married in 1984 and had 3 sons between 1986 and 1990.

But Mum was never far away – she visited every week when my boys were growing up and was in the world to speak to on the phone and send postcards to from holidays and visit in her flat whenever I liked. She was there, and now she isn’t.

What do I do? Where can I be, where Sorrow does not follow me? There is no refuge from Sorrow – she is now my shadow.  Perhaps one day Joy will join her, when the pain lifts and just sweet memories come through to make me laugh.

Yesterday I visited my grandmother’s grave – last visited with Mum in the early 1980s – and somehow, today, I feel better. At the graveside I felt close to my Nanny, and found myself talking to her and to Mum. I did not weep yesterday, after this.  I found some peace. It stayed with me through the evening, and in my dreams, my grandmother came. I woke with a smile, from a dream of hugging her to me.

 

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3 Comments
  1. I just now saw that you lost your beloved mother. I’m so deeply sorry. I felt exactly as you do when my father died. Big hugs to you. XXXOOO Feel free to contact me at barb.larue@verizon.net. Sending much love.

  2. Carol permalink

    Ohhh dearest, I am so sorry… yes, we experienced grief beyond compare when we learned of the animal issues in their entirety… and too we are met again by grief when our beloved Mothers pass. Much love to Barbara above too (reading her comment regarding the loss of her father). There are no words to make anything better when our Moms pass.. just as their are no words to make the soul-wrenching pain disappear upon learning what the animals endure at the hands of man’kind’…. but my thots, love and prayers are with you…

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